A season of quiet. Self forgiveness. A new year.
So here I am again.
Embarking on a new year.
After a month of (Jewish) holidays.
Getting back into it.
Like many others.
It’s the vibe in town.
Asking myself what I will do differently?!
It’s been a few months of quiet.
No travel, no promotion, no retreats.
Outward quiet which led to a lot of internal things surfacing. I chose it. And I hated it, while I so, so appreciate that I gave myself that.
For me it’s been about growing up. Learning to stop fighting with myself. And show up to what really matters.
Is that you? Or was that you? Where like me, assuming that “doing better” always means constantly outdoing myself till I am finally “there.” While also knowing damn well that there is no there.
So what’s different?
These last months led to: Not folding but unfolding.
Not changing but deepening and evolving.
Appreciating my eagerness, but also appreciating slowing down and what can be accomplished in the slow.
I love the book title No Bad Parts.
It’s such a powerful lesson, parts work that is. There are really no bad parts. All parts inside us are all trying to accomplish the same thing, to live better and suffer less. Just some parts have not been the most effective at it.
Looking at both sides of things is allowing grace to enter. Is allowing Yom Kippur to enter. To move out of constant shame to a forgiveness mindset. A self forgiveness mindset.
This week I went to a silent retreat, a one day program in a nature wonderland, just over an hour north of where I live. It was magical.
The retreat guide asked us as we entered what we needed most today, and immediately “forgiveness” was the word, which I felt in my entire body. And at closing, when she asked what we are taking from here, the exact same word came forward: forgiveness.
And during the day, in silence and in nature, I noticed how harsh I can get with myself for not “achieving” and “progressing” the way I expected to. How I blame myself for any detail that doesn’t particularly go according to how I planned it.
I then asked myself, how does one forgive themselves? And as I sat with the question, I noticed that it’s a decision to keep coming back to, and a process. Because forcing self forgiveness would in itself enable the opposite of that.
Coming home, entering this winter, I go back to that: just a little more grace to things.
To close, I’ll quote something I read the other week that really allowed me to understand myself a little better and move gracefully.
“I am in the midst of a creative process. In my memory, creative processes are fun and joyful. I conveniently forget that at some point, I hit chthonian sludge: confusion, stuckness, and churn. I resist the heck out of this stage. I want to complain and run away and collapse all at the same time.”
~ Tara, from the Art of Accomplishment
Wishing you a softer landing.
And a blessed winter ahead.
